Nemuitteru kimi
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: (obscurely clamp fic challenge) [Gohou Drug] [Completed] Rikuou and Kazahaya have been assigned to search for a lost article...only strangely, it's lost within itself also...
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: Gohou Drug is by Clamp, so it isn't Yui's. She got into it because of Asou-sensei and Hina of SDS.  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Part 1 - Things...are strange to say the least.  
  
A girl's figure was running from a distance in front of a little boy. Kazahaya reached out for her, but she turned with a smile and shook her head playfully.   
"You have to catch me first!" she called while waving her hand.  
"Wait a minute, Kei!" Kazahaya shouted behind her. "They told us we shouldn't go there!"  
"Kazahaya!" she called being so far out that she couldn't even hear his plea…  
  
"You can't go there!!!" he shouted   
  
Kazahaya immediately got up from bed with his hand on Rikuou's shoulder.  
  
"Good timing," Rikuou said as he looked curiously at the hand on his shoulder. "Came up here to check if you were _still_ sleeping. Maybe you can make breakfast now."  
  
Kazahaya looked at the clock and realized he was fifteen minutes behind schedule.  
  
"Why are you always coming into my room?" Kazahaya asked as he still held onto Rikuou's shoulder.  
  
Rikuou leaned close to Kazahaya's face and whispered into his ear, "Because there are always interesting things to do while you're asleep, Kazahaya."  
  
The blond, too shocked and annoyed to do anything at that very moment, saw the black-haired one rise slowly and stifled a chuckle. Rikuou turned around to leave the room.  
As he was exiting the door, Kazahaya took a pillow and aimed it at him shouting, "Bastard!"  
  
Huffing and puffing, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. As he was changing in front of the bathroom mirror, he looked at him face with a frown. "Why do I have to look like a girl?"  
  
Then, an image of Kei came to mind when she had looked into a mirror with him and wrapped her warm arms around his neck. They were looking at their reflections with their cheeks touching one another.  
  
"Kei…" he mumbled before he knew that he had even said her name aloud.  
  
Shaking his head, he grumpily went to the kitchen to make breakfast.  
  
"About time you made it," Rikuou sarcastically announced as he held the paper in front of him.  
It was an annoying habit of his that Kazahaya hated. You could never talk to Rikuou straight. There was a job, newspaper, joke, or whatever always in the way.  
  
Kazahaya wrapped the string of the apron over his waist as it hugged his skin since he was wearing something resembling a midriff, showing his stomach. He was angry about that too. He was wondering why in the world Kakei needed him to wear this to work?!  
  
While cooking with a grimace on his face, he suddenly said with spite, "How come you don't ever make breakfast, Rikuou?!"  
  
For the first time in the entirety that he had lived in that complex, Kazahaya turned around to the rustling of Rikuou putting down his newspaper.  
"Oh my!" Kazahaya teased with tinges of bitterness in his tone. "What an honor to have you look at me without the newspaper in the way!"   
"You look very good in the cooking apron." Short and simply answered, Rikuou smirked in amusement and went back to reading.  
Kazahaya scowled and sneezed.   
  
"Bless you," Rikuou flatly said.   
  
Kazahaya was also shocked by this. Rikuou being…being…polite? Was hell freezing over? "Thank you-"he started to say.  
Rikuou then chuckled again. "And blessings to those girls who will get a kick out of seeing you in shorts today. Remember, you're the customer magnet!"  
  
(Author says: I have a fetish for nice smooth stomachs and nice legs. Hee. And who's Rikuou to say that?! He's the one I like!)  
  
"Forget I even tried to say thank you." Kazahaya then turned off the stove and put everything into their separate plates. Bringing everything to the table, he sighed as he placed Rikuou's plate in front of him and started to eat in silence.  
"We have to get over to Kakei's office as soon as we finish breakfast," Rikuou seriously announced.  
"Oh?" Kazahaya looked at him in confusion. "I thought we were working the store today."  
"Nope, Sagai's doing it today." Rikuou folded the paper and began eating.  
"I really wonder what he does! Sleeping all day and the like."  
Rikuou shrugged his shoulders and they finished their breakfast quickly.  
  
When they got to Kakei's office, Kakei's hands were folded with a smirk that Kazahaya wished at the moment wasn't there. It looked evil.  
  
Too evil even for his own good…  
Could he even be called the word good in the first place?  
  
"For this job, I need you two to work together." He sighed as he seriously looked at them. "You need to find a notebook."  
  
"A notebook?" Kazahaya asked with an eyebrow up.  
  
Kakei nodded calmly. "You need to find a blue notebook with worn-out, coffee-stained pages, but it's blank."  
  
Rikuou just stood there with his arms crossed. Though calmly examining everything in his mind, he was also perplexed.  
  
"The jobs just get weirder and weirder," they both thought at the same time.  
"But…I sometimes feel like we're in some story book," Kazahaya also thought in his silence.  
  
"You need Rikuou to read the blank pages…" Kakei said to Kazahaya with a firm voice of authority. "…because they're not really blank."  
  
"Are you up to taking the job?" Kakei asked with a tilt of his head.  
  
Kazahaya, who was trying his best not to be to show that he wasn't feeling well, nodded with his usual. "I need the money."  
  
His ability was better when he was feeling weak anyway…  
  
Additionally, he couldn't pay the penalty.  
Nor could Rikuou.  
  
Rikuou nodded in agreement.  
  
"All the instructions are on your cel phones, but this is the warning." He gave them an icy look that sent a chill down their spines.  
  
It was one that Kakei rarely ever gave for giving instructions.  
  
"No messing up. You must follow these instructions EXACTLY…" Kakei gave them a stern look while still laying his chin on his folded hands. "…or else serious damages will result in lots of unpleasant areas."  
  
They, at the moment, didn't know what that meant.  
  
  
Tsuzuku…  
--  
Author's note: YEA! Am I really the first to do a fanfic for this fandom! * does a little happy dance * Just like Full Moon!  
Here's what you ordered, Aishuu-san. * smiles * Unfortunately, I don't know if I can finish this for the end of that deadline. We'll see.  
  
Hope you guys enjoy it! It'll be quite short compared to other multi-chapter fics, but I hope you like it! I'm so happy to be a proud fan-girl. 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: Gohou Drug isn't mine.  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
By miyamoto yui  
  
  
Part 2 – Near and far.  
  
  
During lunch time…  
  
As Kazahaya sneezed once more, he gave a pout to Rikuou as they sat on the front steps of some university's library. He bitterly thought about the time they were leaving Kakei's office…  
  
They both nodded and turned around to leave, but before they did so, Kazahaya impatiently asked, "Why did I have to be the one to wear this type of outfit?"  
  
With not an answer of why or how, Kakei had just answered with a smile. "Don't worry, Rikuou will be wearing his own outfit as well."  
  
  
"Sure…" Kazahaya mumbled bitterly to himself as he looked at Rikuou's profile. Then, he looked at the black, short-sleeved turtleneck and jeans that seemed almost formfitting on his figure showing the shape of his waist. He was also holding a sweater in his hands.  
But he noticed that despite them being the same age, because of what they were wearing, he looked younger than he should be while Rikuou appeared to be a little older.  
  
"If Rikuou weren't such a jerk, he'd actually be cute, wouldn't he?" Kazahaya thought and then was embarrassed for even thinking that very thought.  
  
Rikuou's eyes looked over at Kazahaya without turning his head. He smirked as he said, "If you're so cold, you should just wear this sweater."  
  
"But it's yours," Kazahaya answered with his childish lip still sticking out a bit.   
Hmph! With that, he looked at the opposite direction.  
  
Rikuou just shook his head and unfolded the sweater and squatted in front Kazahaya to put it over his shoulders. "You're such a baby. You should just tell me, 'Oh Rikuou! Please give me the sweater!'"  
The black-haired man chuckled again and sat in his former place as Kazahaya eyed him and then the sweater. "Th-thanks….Rikuou."  
  
Lifting his chin, Rikuou then took out his cel phone again. "Okay, so we're going to go in at exactly 12:37 when that scarf girl appears and we go get that book."  
  
"Kokoro," Kazahaya sighed as he looked at his own cel phone. "Five minutes to go."  
  
"Whomever or whatever, they seem to like Soseki Natsume, don't they?" Rikuou leaned back while looking at the blue sky before them.   
  
"It's just a book," Kazahaya had tried to convince himself more than explain to Rikuou as a cold wind blew at that moment.  
  
"That book…" Kazahaya thought as he looked from side to side. "That book reminds me of something."  
  
"Look at it from this perspective. Clear blue skies. University students everywhere." Rikuou then folded his hands uneasily as if he were also disturbed. "And then…we're not even a part of this group of-"  
  
"It's almost time," Kazahaya interrupted as he looked at Rikuou with a calm face, almost trying to hide his anxiety.  
He just didn't want to hear the last part of what Rikuou had to say.  
  
As they followed a girl with a maroon scarf, they entered the library and looked up the book they needed from the library catalog. Then, they searched the shelves until they had found the sets of books.  
"Which one are we supposed to get?" Kazahaya whispered to Rikuou.  
Rikuou answered something inaudible while he was looking at the books before him with much concentration.  
Kazahaya's lips were a few centimeters away from Rikuou as he asked again, "Which one are we supposed to get?"  
Rikuou turned his head and answered back just as closely, "Give me your hand."  
  
Kazahaya, blushing beyond belief already, sighed as he gave his right hand over to Rikuou. Rikuou closed his eyes as he placed his warm hand over Kazahaya's. Then, with a circling motion, he concentrated on which one they had to take.  
"The red or the blue one?" Kazahaya asked, who was seeing the aura emanating from the books.  
"Purple." Rikuou opened his eyes and took both of the books as he let go of Kazahaya.  
  
With the id card they had been given, Kazahaya took it out as a means of checking out the books. He smiled as the woman gave him a look unable to distinguish what gender Kazahaya was.  
  
As they were leaving, he looked at the id carefully. "A girl…"  
  
Whom he had just realized…  
…was wearing the same outfit he was assigned to wear that day, but had similar facial features as he had.  
He turned to Rikuou, who was peering at the picture over his shoulder with his cheek almost touching Kazahaya's.  
  
The wind blew once more and they resumed walking down the steps of the library. Kazahaya put the id back into his pocket  
  
That very moment, as he looked at Rikuou, he felt the urge to go and grab his free hand, but suddenly stopped himself.   
  
Rikuou, still holding the books, also felt this way. He glanced at Kazahaya with a distant smile.  
The same as whenever he thought of Tsukiko…  
  
Kazahaya's heart felt heavy for some reason that he couldn't understand…  
  
  
Tsuzuku  
--  
Author's note: Since when do Kazahaya and Rikuou begin to become so informal with their names? Hmm? * smiles* I'll tease ya later…  
Oh, and what I meant by short was that I would try not to make this as long as Aching Desire. (38 chapters, and the longest fanfic I've ever written within a span of five months and five days. Yes, my lucky number is 5.) ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: Gohou Drug is by Clamp. Gravitation's Nittle Grasper belongs to Murakami Maki-sensei, but the song 'Surechigau' is mine! 'All I Want' is by Toad The Wet Sprocket.  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Part 3 - Refraining Soul  
  
  
When they got to the eastern boundary of the campus, they were told to part and meet at another place. Looking left and right, Kazahaya sighed as he pinched a bit of Rikuou's shirt. With a cute pout filled with irritation, he asked, "You know I'm bad with directions, so how do I get there by foot?"  
Rikuou pointed southward. "Go there for an hour? More or less."  
Gulping, Kazahaya sighed as he said, "Thanks. I'll see you later then."  
  
Rikuou smirked. "Yeah, I'll be waiting a while."  
And he walked over towards the nearest bus stop.  
  
"You suck," Kazahaya hissed as he gave Rikuou a sneer.  
Then, he shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"I wonder what this all means. It's so confusing," Kazahaya glanced back at Rikuou again and started to walk in the direction he was told. "I feel like we're going on a treasure hunt or something."  
  
This was indeed different from other jobs they had been told to do. Aside from getting some book, a cat, or whatever, this seemed to be one of the strangest jobs both of them had ever done.   
"The high school uniform button thing was weird in itself." Then, he thought of the seifuku he had to wear. And that didn't make him blush as much as when Rikuou had teased, "It was good."  
He hit him on the head many times after that whenever it was mentioned, but it still hadn't made him lessen his slap in the back of Rikuou's head.  
  
Kazahaya just kept on walking and looked at the buildings before him. It was just all beyond him and he didn't want to think too much about it. But he began to grow a little depressed as he remembered why he had interrupted Rikuou's comment on Soseki.  
  
"We're not a part of this group of students," Kazahaya mumbled to himself and put his hands in his shorts' pockets.   
  
Looking at the ground, he whispered with a lonesome tone, "We just don't belong anywhere."  
  
At that moment, Rikuou's bus went by and there he was smirking in his seat with a little wave just to annoy him. Kazahaya just _had_ to look up at that moment, didn't he?!  
  
"Jerk!" Kazahaya called after him, but as he looked at the sweater he was wearing, he laughed. "Well, okay...not all the time."  
  
Still, Kazahaya was pondering on this job all together. This was the first time that he and Rikuou had to look at their cel phones after a certain time because the instructions were not all there. Not because there wasn't enough text space or space for voicemails, but the instructions came in according to the place were in. And also, they were in a certain pattern that the client wanted.  
It was all too confusing to piece together at the moment.  
  
After an hour of walking in the sun, he looked at his cel phone and tried to find exactly where he was heading towards. As he was getting closer to the address of his destination, Kazahaya finally told himself, "Kokoro..."  
  
It was one of the most beloved books of all time...  
Why would this girl want a book like that?  
  
But somehow, there was something wrong with what he as thinking and how he was perceiving everything. Was it because of this unusual way they were going about this whole job? Or was it because he had dreamt of Kei this morning and that was one of the books she liked to read?   
She always said, "Maybe, like your name..." But, with this book, she had always told him, "It ends in the middle. Don't you understand?"  
He always shook his head. He didn't comprehend what she was trying to say to him.  
  
Kazahaya wasn't sure about anything at this point, but when he mumbled the address to himself, he stopped in the middle of a long street. "A karaoke bar?"  
  
"I'm here to meet someone..." Kazahaya said at the front and the person at the desk led him to the furthest room down the hallway. At this small, enclosed space sat Rikuou with his elbows touching the couch he was sitting on.  
Kazahaya, after closing the door, looked from left to right as he sat next to Rikuou.  
  
Rikuou then took out a piece of gum and unwrapped it. Then, he pushed it gently into Kazahaya's mouth. "It says that I had to do this."  
"Wha-" Then, he began chewing on the gum while pointing at his mouth with his index finger.  
Kazahaya just nodded with a confused expression as they both looked for a song.  
  
Looking at his cel phone again, he almost choked on the gum as he chewed and said at the same time, "Uh-uh. I can't sing. I'm really bad at singing."  
Rikuou pointed at his list too. "Hey, you're not the only one."  
  
The list of songs had to be done in order, but the last ones had to be done the best. Unfortunately, as they sweatdropped at one another's vocal experience, they looked at each other with the most pained expressions.  
But after an hour, they started to enjoy singing it was just for one another. There was no way that they'd give a recording to Kakei anyway. ^^;;;  
  
As Rikuou got up to sing his last song, he said, "It says that I have to write the lyrics of your song on napkins."  
"And I write the lyrics to your song on the notepad that you bought for me..." Kazahaya said right after Rikuou. Then, Rikuou handed him a small black notepad.  
  
Rikuou then cleared his throat as he began to sing and Kazahaya quickly wrote...  
  
"(whisper) Do you what it means  
that you can't breath  
wanting to crumble into pieces  
out of helplessness?  
Looking at your own reflection  
You knew a change had begun.  
It was your fault...  
  
Surechigau, passing one another,  
You'd think it was all a work of fate.  
I looked at you as you said,  
'Sumimasen' to me.  
Closing the door, I looked at it wanting  
To break it with my hands.  
  
This is wrong.   
This can't be our story.  
I won't accept that   
We'll always be apart.  
It's too cruel  
Upon my heart.  
  
I searched and searched for years  
Knowing I was nothing to you.  
Just a face you passed each day  
On the wall, you thought I never saw.  
But I knew as I gradually lost my sanity,  
I was looking for you everywhere.  
(Hopelessly.)  
  
This is wrong.  
This can't be our story.  
I won't accept that  
I can't reach you.  
It's suicide  
To my heart."  
  
Rikuou started to close his eyes as he looked away from Kazahaya. In a trance, he sang louder than before,   
  
"Where could you go?  
Where did you come from?  
How can I make you mine?  
How can I keep you forever?  
(How can I make you not say goodbye?)  
  
Watching you like a mirror  
Where you pound until your hands bleed  
Screaming your name  
In a deadly silence, no one hears me.  
You don't understand anything   
Because I can't even tell you.  
  
I don't care about Fate anymore.  
Because I can't see anything  
Nothing but you.  
  
This is wrong.  
This can't be the story of  
You and Me.  
I can't accept that you'll never know me  
Because I know who you are.  
I've been watching you from the shadows   
(Silently, silently.)"  
  
Looking straight at Kazahaya, he held out his hand as if to catch him from getting away from him. With sad eyes, he sang with all his soul that he thought he'd never reveal again to anyone...  
  
"This is wrong.  
(How can my love for you be wrong?)  
This can't be our story.  
(How can I make you fall in love with me?)  
I won't accept that  
(I can't survive this torture any longer.)  
I can't reach you.  
(Because you don't know anything.  
It's suicide  
(I'll beg on my knees for you.)  
To my heart.  
(I don't want anyone else.)  
  
Please give him back to me.  
You were meant to be mine.  
  
(No matter what Fate says,  
I won't allow it.)"  
  
With his mouth a little open, Kazahaya blinked as he looked at Rikuou who had just done a great job with a Nittle Grasper's 'Surechigau'!  
  
While pulling his collar, Rikuou laughed, "I hope I did okay."  
  
Kazahaya, who had never seen him that relaxed before, smiled as he took the mic from Rikuou and stood in front of the tv as it said "All I Want".  
  
Rikuou, looking at Kazahaya with a slight smile, looked down onto the table in front of him and began to write.  
  
"Nothing's so loud  
As hearing when we lie  
The truth is not kind  
And you've said neither am I  
Bbut the air outside so soft is saying everything"  
  
Kazahaya shook his head and closed his eyes.  
"Everything"  
  
Then, he opened his eyes as he held onto the mic harder as if he could lose it.  
  
"All I want is to feel this way  
To be this close, to feel the same  
All I want is to feel this way  
The evening speaks, I feel it say..."  
  
Kazahaya tapped his foot and smiled with a melancholic eyes,  
  
"Nothing's so cold  
As closing the heart when all we need  
Is to free the soul  
But we wouldn't be that brave I know  
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything  
Everything."  
  
Then, in a burst of energy as if crying, he sang on,  
  
"And it won't matter now  
Whatever happens to me  
Though the air speaks of all we'll never be  
It won't trouble me  
  
  
All I want is to feel this way  
To be this close, to feel the same  
All I want is to feel this way  
The evening speaks, I feel it say...  
And it feels so close  
Let it take me in  
Let it hold me so  
I can feel it say..."  
  
  
  
Rikuou clapped his hands slowly and was totally impressed by this last performance. "Didn't expect you to have another talent."  
  
Kazahaya shook his head while blushing ignoring the sarcasm in his voice due to the smile he had given him. "Thanks, but...I felt different when I was singing."  
  
"What do you mean?" Rikuou looked at him like a little kid, like at the flashback of Tsukiko.  
  
"I felt like I was singing the song to reach you, Rikuou." He shook his head. "But then again, I didn't feel that it was me anymore. This isn't making sense at all. This odd job and all this stuff we have to do..."  
  
Rikuou who got up to leave to pay in the front just said, "I felt different when I sang too."  
"It's always like that," he said softly.  
  
Kazahaya couldn't understand if Rikuou was saying that to him or to himself. But Rikuou didn't go into depth about it as Kazahaya touched his shoulder. The solemn, unreadable look came back to Rikuou's face.  
  
Kazahaya then saw flashes from Rikuou's memory...  
  
A little boy singing...  
Tsukiko performing with a smile...  
  
Then, he let go as Rikuou glanced back at him and sighed as he went ahead of him.  
  
Kazahaya stood in the karaoke room alone and watched Rikuou through the window.  
  
"How will I ever reach you?" Kazahaya found himself whispering to himself.  
  
Then, he left the room with a fearful heart. As they walked away from the karaoke bar, Rikuou suddenly took Kazahaya's hand and ran across the street.   
  
They were running so fast that Kazahaya couldn't see Rikuou's slight frown of disappoint. At the same time, Kazahaya was looking at their clinging hands with a lonely visage thinking, "He just needs my hand to find the next location of our scavenger hunt."  
  
  
Kazahaya, who had been confused, was starting to understand what was going on...  
  
  
Tsuzuku...  
--  
Author's note: Ooh. Getting interesting. Just what is going on? I know, but it's all stuck in my head pushing to get out like a wild animal... * sighs * Hope you're liking this as much as I am!  
  
Refraining - pun I used as "a song's refrain", "withdrawing", and "repeating". 


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: Gohou Drug is by Clamp. Kokoro is by natsume soseki and any extra characters are my original coorection  
  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
  
Part 4 – How low do you go…  
  
Rikuou's cold hand was becoming warm by holding onto Kazahaya's, but he couldn't erase the fact that he was seeing Tsukiko all over again in his mind. And somehow, Kazahaya was the one that was prompting him to do so.  
He couldn't understand what was happening, but it was slowly coming together. Broken as it was, inside and outside of his heart.  
  
As they rushed from building to building, the black-haired man pointed his blond co-worker's hand towards each entrance they passed.  
Kazahaya was getting frustrated at the fact that they had to do all this running and he was somewhat disappointed with himself. Looking at Rikuou didn't help.  
  
"How could this be so hard?" Rikuou suddenly said, like a knife cutting through flesh.   
His voice was so cold and harsh that Kazahaya looked at him.  
  
"Rikuou?" And he refused to run anymore.   
  
"Just what are we looking for?" Rikuou looked at Kazahaya and finally let him go as he huffed tiredly.   
But it was as if he were lost within himself, not a question of why they were running around the city with their heads chopped off like dead chickens going every which way.  
  
Kazahaya took a deep breath and shook his head. With his heart beating, though he was full of worry of what was to come, he calmed himself down. Then, reaching out for Rikuou's shoulder lightly, he gently comforted, "We can't stop now."  
  
"Tsukiko's voice…" Kazahaya thought, but Rikuou, similar to a bird, shrugged off Kazahaya's soft touch.  
  
Kazahaya sighed and looked at his hand in mid-air at the silent rejection. Then, he looked at Rikuou and shook his head. "That's all I am to you, aren't I? Someone to just get things done?!"  
  
In his anger, he took Rikuou's hand with and ran again with him. After ten minutes of running, he stopped and looked down to the ground.   
Throwing Rikuou's hand, he said with a cold tone, "Here."  
  
Rikuou looked up to the tall building. "A hotel?"  
  
"Kokoro? A karaoke bar? And a hotel?" Rikuou asked himself.   
  
It wasn't as if they didn't know what this meant, but why had their client brought them here?  
  
Rikuou then started to walk into the hotel as Kazahaya lifted his head. Looking back, Rikuou saw Kazahaya through the glass doors and took a deep breath as Kazahaya slowly walked in behind him.  
  
When they passed through the hotel lobby, the attendants gave them odd looks as Rikuou began to take out the key inside his pocket. Kazahaya's eyes glanced at the key silently as Rikuou led him into the elevator.  
  
"You always think the worse of me," Rikuou said without looking at Kazahaya while going up the elevator.  
  
"It's rare for me to think otherwise," Kazahaya snapped back and the door opened before them.  
  
"3212 is…" Rikuou mumbled to himself as he searched each door. "Here."  
  
Putting the key into the lock, he opened the door and they both entered. Kazahaya hanged his sweater, as was told on the cel.  
  
Then, Rikuou put the books down next to a notebook on the desk. When he turned towards the bed, he glanced at Kazahaya with a look of slight worry as his eyes found themselves on a pair of white robes.  
Kazahaya started to step back a bit. His anger evaporated into worry. "This is not what I-"  
  
"You have to wear the robes and read the red notebook on the table," Rikuou read aloud from his cel phone. Looking at Rikuou with a blank face, he finished, "And you'll know the rest of what to do instinctively."  
  
"I'm not going to wear a robe!" Kazahaya shouted in frustration.  
  
"We don't have time for this. We have to red this whole notebook by eleven and it's already 9:17." Rikuou said as he began to undress.  
  
Lifting up his shirt, Kazahaya watched him in awe at the fact at how far Rikuou was going for this job. Rikuou looked back at him and frowned.  
Still in his jeans, he walked over to Kazahaya as Kazahaya was shaking his head slowly.   
Then, Rikuou stood before him and looked away.   
"I'm sorry," he gulped as he looked back at Kazahaya. "I'm just following orders…"  
  
Is this what was called a 'no choice' situation? How far does one have to go for a 'job'?  
  
Kazahaya had lost all that he thought he knew of Rikuou as he watched Rikuou hold his shoulders. Then, he moved his hands gently over to the buttons of Kazahaya's chest to undo the buttons of his midriff.  
Dumbfounded, Kazahaya looked at him while blinking slowly.  
  
"As if he loved me…" was all that Kazahaya thought at that moment.  
  
"What was happening to us?" Kazahaya's lips mumbled quietly, inaudible for Rikuou to even hear him. "Were we acting out as if it were a play like with the school uniform incident, or were our feelings mixing with the unreality of the moment?"  
  
Then, Rikuou slipped off Kazahaya's shirt and it felt gracefully to the carpeted floor.   
  
They stared at one another for a minute, but it had seemed like so much longer.  
  
At that moment, Rikuou, who appeared as if he was also hesitant though he tried not to be, turned around and took one robe into his hand and went to the bathroom to take a shower. The door closed with the sound of the shower being turned on and Kazahaya still stood there in his place, numbed by the coldness of his skin and shocked by what was happening.  
  
"No…" He shook his head and walked over to the red notebook on the table. As he came closer to it, his expression turned to one of horror.  
  
The notebook wasn't red at all…  
…it had been stained with blood.  
  
  
Tsuzuku…  
--  
Author's note: Geez, once my girl Adri says something, it always gets me cracking for a fanfic…even if I've been sick for a week (and still going)! * lol * Know that you are well-loved, that's all, Adri. And wouldn't you know it would be _this_ chapter that I had planned for this type of scene…  
Not to mention that this is the fourth chapter. And four is a bad number for most Asian superstitions.   
On an off-topic note…oh my god! I wish I could play that final fantasy unlimited theme on DDR! Barely made it to maniac mode… * sighs * For you hardcore DDR's out there, I'm telling the world that I'm a Jenith fangirl!!!!!!! (Hope he's not retired yet! I need to go to a competition and watch again!)  
  
An extra note: If you would like to read more fanfiction from me, please join fanfiction mailing list. I write for many fandoms, but mostly for Tokyo Babylon and Gravitation.  
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Iroirona_fanfiction/ 


	5. Part 5

Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Gohou Drug. The characters beside R and K are mine, though.  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Part 5 – Kokoro no naka de… (Inside the heart…)  
  
Kazahaya stared at the damaged notebook and sighed as he tried to keep himself calm. This strange job was just getting weirder and weirder…  
  
He opened the curtain of the hotel room and looked out the window. He was somewhat lulled at the sight before him. The moon was shining and in a slight glimmer, through the crevices of spaces among the tall buildings before him, he saw the ocean.  
Touching his hand to the surface of the window, he almost felt a part of the dark scene.  
  
Rikuou came out of the bathroom with a towel over his head. Kazahaya quickly took his hand off the glass surface and got his robe quietly while walking over to have a shower too.  
  
When he turned on the water, many questions went through his head and he tried to push them away.   
  
Rikuou, who had saved him not to long ago, seemed to always be in sync with him. Yet, all they did was fight because they could never agree on anything. It was always something or other and they could never seem to resolve it unless it came to working on a job. That was the only time when they understood one another.  
Kazahaya had learned to depend on Rikuou that he couldn't quite touch with his heart. But through this job, the longer it went, the more he felt the words that made Rikuou and him a bit closer were fading like the steam of the shower.  
  
So, he pushed it all away. All he could think of were the faces of Kei, Tsukiko, and Rikuou looking so unhappy though they tried to smile with all their might.  
Placing his hand on the tiles before him, he tried not to cry.  
  
"There was something so wrong with this whole situation," he thought to himself. "We're playing a game for someone."  
  
While waiting for Kazahaya to finish, Rikuou glanced at the notebook and touched it with his eyes closing as if in pain.   
  
"Blood…" he commented as he picked up the notebook and brought it closer to his eyes. Then, he placed his towel on the chair before him and sat on the bed while opening the notebook as Kazahaya came out of the bathroom with his white robe on.   
With the sash firmly in place, his wet messy hair dripped to the ground and he didn't care. He sat by Rikuou at a loss for words as he glanced at the notebook. Without instruction, he took Rikuou's right hand and began to scan the first page…  
  
"September 12, 19--  
  
Today, I met someone quite strange today. I guess it was because he caught me off-guard and I wasn't without my brother to talk instead of me.   
He wore a blue, cotton sweater and glasses. I thought he looked too homely, to say the least. It was very funny to glance at him because I never did that before.  
There was just something about him that made him very charming.  
  
This sounds very stupid, doesn't it? I sound like I'm from some kind of manga, or better yet, a girl."  
  
Kazahaya took out the ID card and looked at it. "This wasn't a girl…?"  
  
He continued as Rikuou read silently along with him, "He was at the library today. Well, what would you expect from a literature professor? I found out from my brother because that was his teacher.  
I was looking at 'Kokoro' and he was looking for it next to me.   
  
Now that I think of it, I think I found his smile most pleasing. He had the most wonderful smile, as if everything was peaceful in his life.  
  
I envied him for it.  
  
'Do you like this book too?' he asked with a laugh while being a bit embarrassed.  
'Yes, I read it quite often,' I answered with a smile. 'Then again, many people do.'  
'But why do you like it?' he asked curiously as he took a copy of the shelf, the one next to the one I had just picked up. 'Everyone has their own concept of it.'  
  
I blinked at him. How strange, most people wouldn't ask me something like that. If my brother were here, he'd be the one answering instead of me.  
I was never very good at telling my thoughts aloud.  
  
'I like it because it cuts into the heart.' I smiled thoughtfully. 'Sensei knew that the student would leave him once the student found what he was looking for. But the student was just as lost on what to do with his life, and in the end, Sensei was wrong. The student, not knowing if he was alive or dead, left to go to the Sensei instead of staying with his own father. What I believe is that it isn't because he was still looking for answers to his questions, he wanted to keep what he knew about life and about Sensei, even if it was close to nothing.'  
  
He looked at me and shook his head in confusion. 'What exactly do you mean?'  
  
I didn't know how to explain myself very well, so I became quiet. I looked away and then I looked straight at him again while answering, 'The most unexpected things happen and even when people tell me there are reasons for it. I will never understand them and they will never understand why I believe that sometimes there are no reasons for important things such as life and death. To me, they sometimes just happen. Just like isolation. And so, you try to hold onto what you know.   
People keep on looking for answers only to find that they must answer them themselves. They become troubled because there aren't any real answers, just ones to comfort yourself.'   
  
Slowly, he nodded his head at me.  
  
It was as if he understood me in some way.   
I was touched. No one ever bothered before.   
  
'What do you think about Kokoro?'  
  
Sighing, he looked at his watch. 'I'm really sorry, but I have to go.'  
  
He looked from side to side. With a sincere smile on his face, he took the book in my hands and took out a pencil. Then, he wrote where his office was.  
  
'I hope that I'll be able to answer your question.'  
  
Then, he left and I stood there wondering what an odd person he was."  
  
Turning the page, they resumed reading.  
  
'September 14, 19—  
  
I looked at the penciled message for a whole day and I looked at my older brother for an answer. But of course, he wouldn't give me one. I didn't even bother to ask because he would get curious as to why.  
I couldn't understand if my brother enjoyed the instruction of this teacher or not because he always complained about him. The teacher always picked on him, but my brother had always been picked on. Being the popular one, he got into trouble often, whether it was his fault or not.  
I can never understand Seiya. We are close and yet, he is so competitive with me. And in the end, he always gets what he wants, so I don't understand why he loves me so much and yet can act like he doesn't.  
  
In the end, I saw Sensei, though.  
Today, I quietly went to his office and he smiled while giving me a seat to sit in. I looked around his office and folded my hands after we introduced ourselves.  
'I'm glad you came,' he commented as he sat down.  
'I wanted to know why you liked 'Kokoro'.'  
Looking straight at me, he answered, 'I love this book because it shows people's barrier's. The ones that they put against one another because of circumstances beyond their control.'  
I nodded and asked, 'Wow, you had a shorter answer than I had.'  
Comfortably, I laughed.  
He shook his head as he grinned at me. 'No, it's just that I had lots of time to think about it all these years. I read this book at least once every two years and every time, I learn something new.'  
And that started this whole conversation about themes and characters until we realized that it was getting late.  
  
I never talked so much in my whole life.'  
  
Kazahaya and Rikuou read quickly as their deadline of eleven was coming clear…  
  
'October 17, 19—  
  
I kept on seeing him and I don't understand why. Maybe I do but I won't acknowledge it.  
Every time I remember why he said loved 'Kokoro', I keep on remember him saying it was because of people's barrier's. This message gets stronger each time I talk to him.  
I don't understand why though.  
I talk to him because I learn so much from him. But with every visit, I keep on telling myself that there is something that shouldn't be there.  
  
And then, I remember his facial expressions every time we meet. I don't completely understand him. And he seems to grow a little older, looking troubled as he talks to me.  
  
I can't help but keep on talking to him. And I am more fascinated with what he has to say. Laughing, I told this to Seiya. But Seiya just shook his head and went to go partying as I tried to figure out how to prepare for choir. That's the only thing that I can do.  
Unlike Seiya, my only talent is singing. I singing because it's the only thing that connects me to Seiya.  
He tells me we're in sync whenever I sing to him. That I'm most beautiful when I sing.  
Nothing else matters to him. As for, I'm able to sing loudly what he cannot hear when I talk to him.   
Yes, as Sensei has said, I've put a barrier for my own brother…for everyone…  
  
Seiya…  
  
As he leaves, he has that gleam in his eye again. The one that tells me there is no good in what he's about to do.   
I am afraid of him whenever he does this.  
  
I will stop talking about Sensei to him because he might get jealous.  
Today, I said nothing of my conversation with Sensei because I was confused. I was laughing while walking with him out of the library that we were like the student and sensei in Kokoro. I kept on going to him for knowledge while taught me about life.  
  
'Why do you enjoy our time together?' he had asked me.  
  
'Because you listen to me.' I honestly answered.  
  
I think I should go sing now.   
It's the only way I can vent loudly, yet softly…  
  
This is the one thing I can never do for Sensei.  
I can't sing for him.  
  
My song is my own.  
It is only for Seiya's ears because he doesn't listen carefully.  
  
Sensei would understand and it would be too much to bear."  
  
Reading more and more, Kazahaya and Rikuou start to piece the puzzle together and are a bit distressed as the 'end' of the entries come closer and closer.  
  
  
"November 3, 19—  
  
I want to know what Sensei really thinks of me. Sometimes, I don't know. He gets upset sometimes and I don't comprehend why. And I get upset whenever he strays off the subject of literature. As if I've become so possessive over him. What a dumb thought.  
Nothing is making sense.  
  
Seiya is being aloof as usual. Coming in here and ruffling my hair and then, he hugged me. 'You've been going out a lot.'  
'Choir practice and all that. Nothing more than the usual.' I answer while looking at him.  
'Don't lie to me,' he said with a tinge of harshness creeping into his voice.  
'So, how was your day today?'  
'Not so good. That damn lit professor kept on picking on me to answer. I showed him by knowing the answers to each question.'  
I laughed. 'That's how he is.'  
'How would you know?' He gave me a look.  
'Because that's what everyone says and I've talked to him about teaching because I'm thinking of really majoring in literature.'  
  
In silence, we looked at the mirror before us.   
  
'Why were we born as two people with the same face, Seiya?' I blurted out the question I had always kept within my heart.   
I held onto his arms as he squeezed my shoulders gently.  
'I wish I knew, Kirisu.'  
Then, I sang to him, 'The sea kept on whispering to me. A mirror of myself and then I saw you…'  
'I love you, Kirisu.' He shook his head. 'Don't ever sing for anyone else but me. You are mine.'  
Then, letting him go, I got up as he still stared at the mirror.  
  
I kissed the mirror with my mouth on the lips of his reflection.  
  
Don't you understand I sing because I can't say how much I love you, Seiya?"  
  
  
Then, Kazahaya and Rikuou came to the last two pages and read…  
  
" 'Let's go out.' He told me. 'I'll meet you at the library entrance.'  
I nodded slowly as he told me to wear something totally out of my character.  
  
Innocently, I waited in front of the library. We went into the library together when he came. We went by Kokoro and I laughed while looking at the back saying, 'Maybe I should erase this pencil mark.'  
He told me I shouldn't.   
  
Sensei was acting. Very strange…  
  
We left and he carried the books. Then, he went on his way and I went on mine.   
We couldn't leave campus together, so we always met at the karaoke bar this way.  
  
Seiya, would you be mad that I've opened up my world of music to Sensei?  
I am already upset…  
Because I've put a rival against you…  
  
  
Sensei sang a song that he never sang before and I knew this trip was different from all the others we had.  
Before, it was all in fun, but today, it was very melancholic.  
  
  
I sang to him and I felt so sad inside…  
I realized as I looked at him that I truly loved this person.  
  
This person who was going to belong permanently to someone else.  
In less than a month.  
  
When we were supposed to separate, he took my hand suddenly and we ran through the city. We ran all the way to his hotel room.  
I told him that we shouldn't, but he told me that if he didn't do this, he'd regret it.  
  
'Either way, I'll be damned,' he had said to me while holding my shoulders. He was shaking from guilt but he shook his head.  
  
Then, he looked at me deeply. "Kokoro…soul mates…not being with people you want to be with."  
  
He kissed me.  
  
Unlike the self I was for my twenty years of existence, this person named Kirisu doesn't appear before me in the mirror anymore.  
  
I voluntarily committed a sin."  
  
Stop.  
  
Kazahaya hung his head as he shook his head. "I won't go this far for a job. I won't do as this journal says, Rikuou!"  
  
It was too late. It was almost eleven, and they were going to act their parts in this play.  
  
Kazahaya and Rikuou slowly let go of the journal and it fell to the ground as Rikuou pulled the sash of Kazahaya's robe and slipped off the robe from his shoulders.  
  
"It's just a kiss, Kazahaya…" Rikuou said unconvincingly as he pushed Kazahaya onto the bed with his hands pinning Kazahaya on each side.   
  
Looking at Rikuou, he knew he couldn't resist.   
"Think it's for Kei…" he thought to himself.  
  
Leaning forward, Rikuou began to kiss Kazahaya.  
  
Too far…  
This was too far…  
  
At that, Rikuou's eyes closed and his head fell on Kazahaya's shoulder. Kazahaya hugged him for a moment and then pushed Rikuou off of him. Slipping to one side, he put some of the blanket on Rikuou, he kissed him on the forehead and shook his head.  
  
Changing back into his clothes, Kazahaya took the notebook like a loving child into his hands.  
Then, he left the hotel room.  
  
He ran until he thought he was going to die from exhaustion, in a direction that only his feet knew where to go.  
  
"Kokoro was about a man whose guilt pushed him out of society. And this same man was cared for by a student he had met on a beach. Sensei saw himself through this boy and tried to guide him to become the strong person he wasn't." Kazahaya whispered to himself as he passed the somewhat familiar buildings. "But was the student strong at all? For choosing to be by Sensei's side in the end instead of fulfilling his family obligations."  
  
The pieces of this contorted puzzle were coming together. But as they were, Kazahaya was losing feeling within his heart over the sadness he felt for the teacher and the student.  
  
"It ends in the middle, Kazahaya." Kei's voice kept on repeating in his mind as the echoes of his footsteps became louder on the empty streets.  
  
The journal's entries had stopped right in the middle…  
  
"I understand now. Kokoro was his heart. Singing was his soul." Looking at the notebook again, he answered himself. "This notebook was his mind. It was his conscience. The silent voice."  
  
After miles of running, Kazahaya found himself back in the university. Passing by many windows, Kazahaya saw that his reflection was not his own anymore…   
  
As he ran to a bridge, he stopped and stared down below it. The long distance of falling…  
Falling into the river before him…  
  
Kazahaya was no longer Kazahaya…   
He had become Kirisu, the owner of the journal.  
  
"Seiya, will you ever forgive me?" Kirisu whispered to himself.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
--  
Author's note: Is it interesting enough for you? I hope so. I tried to remember that school uniform part in which Kazahaya had 'changed' and 'slept within' while asking Rikuou what had happened to him while he was unconscious.  
I know this is very confusing. I just hope that I can pull it all together in the end. I'm not very good with details, but I hope that what is here is getting through? * smiles * Hey, this is actually much more simplified than my original stories. ^^;;; If you ever read 'the break in the hand', you'd get so confused because of reincarnation, different time periods, and the use of stream-of-consciousness. Not to mention that it's not Earth and their way of society is female-dominant.  
As long as this chapter is, I'm still unsatisfied with it. I feel that I made it more complicated than I had originally intended. But I like it though. I just wish I was better at explaining things.  
  
Kokoro is used as a pun here. It represents going into 'kokoro' the book, but also revealing the student's feelings. It also shows the feelings and bonds of Kazahaya and Rikuou. 


	6. final Part 6

Disclaimer: Poems/Songs are mine. Natsume Soseki owns Kokoro and Mon. Clamp is the awesome group that made Gohou Drug.  
  
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
Part 6 – Reawaken.  
  
  
Rikuou's eyes opened widely as he got up a little disoriented at finding himself in a robe in a hotel room. His eyes opened a bit in alarm as he realized that there was no sign of Kazahaya in the room with him.  
  
Then, from the table, he saw his cel phone vibrating as if it were possessed. He reached out for the cel and read the text message that said:  
  
"Return. You must return to where you first met."  
  
It was from an anonymous caller whose number he did not recognize, but he didn't have time to think about that though. What mattered most now was _the_ danger of leaving Kazahaya all alone.   
Kazahaya's powers may have been the strongest when he was 'weak' and/or well assimilated with his job, but that made him more vulnerable to everything around him.   
No matter how much Kazahaya hated him for always taking a part of the pay for saving him all the time, this 'rescue' seemed to be part of the job description. So much so that Rikuou got used to doing it automatically.  
  
That didn't mean that he never worried though.  
Deadpan as his expressions were to Kazahaya…  
  
"Met…?" he said to himself.  
  
After dressing quickly, he hailed a taxi and told the driver to head towards the university where Kazahaya and he were at just a few hours ago.  
  
All the while, he wondered what the hell the message had meant. He stared at the phone in frustration and sighed as the time ticked away. Mentally, it was driving him insane with worry.  
Kazahaya could get into anything…  
  
Like that last time when he almost drowned because of the fireflies…  
And that other time…  
When…  
  
"Stop thinking about that, Rikuou," he thought to himself.  
  
As Rikuou was heading towards Kazahaya, the blond-haired man wasn't himself anymore, but had succumbed to the influence of the parallel dimension he had been carefully thrust into.   
  
And so, Kirisu held onto the bloodied journal while looking down at the river before him. He held the journal before him and began to read the last page.  
  
"August 5, 19--  
  
While passing through a bridge, I caught a glance of that teacher Seiya said picked on him constantly. He couldn't understand why, but of course his pride and arrogance got in the way.  
  
I love my brother, but I know him to the point that if I touched his bare chest with my hand over his heart, he won't ever be able to lie to me. Even if he looks at me with a straight face and deeply into my eyes.  
If I didn't know him so well, I would say he loves that teacher. What else would this explain actually taking the 'fights in class' and not snapping back as he usually would? Or taking his class again even though he had said the teacher hated him?  
  
But while glancing at the evil being that was making my brother turn his total attention away from me, I found him staring back at me.  
  
With no malice. With no shame.  
I was quite intrigued by him because of this.  
  
He looked at me with such pure sincerity that I couldn't help but instantly change my opinions of him. Of course, I was still a little suspicious of him.  
When I looked away in embarrassment, I lifted my eyes again to find him still looking at me. We both stood to each side of a bridge. That man stared at me as if there was nothing with a thirty-year-old professor looking at a twenty-year-old male student.   
Was he flirting with me or fascinated that he had found my other half in his class?  
  
I wanted to laugh. He probably thought I was Seiya anyway.  
Most people meet him first, that's why.  
  
Then, I turned away from the professor and left him standing there wondering whom he had seen.  
  
And just now, just to assure myself that Seiya is still mine, I took up his collar. He never lets anyone else do that. No one could, with his strength.  
  
I am stronger though.  
  
Then, I laughed as I kissed his lips seductively with half-opened eyes.   
'Watch what you do,' I warned.  
  
I let him go as he gave me a passive nod.  
  
But if I see that you don't, Seiya, I will make sure to return you to me.  
One way or the other."  
  
Kirisu closed the journal as he started to chuckle to himself with his fingers touching his forehead. "We are characters in a book following a pattern. By a body of water wanting to float away from Japan, I met you. Yes, we are like the student and sensei in 'Kokoro'."  
  
With his journal in one hand, Kirisu took a hold of the bridge's railing in the other. Then, he stood on the thin railing trying to balance himself as he glanced down at the water before him.  
  
"There should be only one in the world." Kirisu then dropped his journal into the water below. "Of anything."  
Soon, he positioned himself and lifted his hands out. "But did you know that in ancient times, twins were thought to be lovers? That they were two people who had committed lover's suicide in their last lifetime?"  
  
Like an angel with no wings, Kirisu fell with his eyes closed and a serene smile upon his face. He sang, "No one can have you. No one can have me. We only have one another in our misery..."  
  
"Kirisu!" Rikuou's voice shouted.   
But as Kirisu opened his eyes, he looked at the dark-haired man who had shouted his name and smiled sweetly.  
"Sensei…you came for me after all…" Kirisu fell into whom he thought were the sensei's arms. "I had dreamt that you didn't come to save me from myself."  
  
Rikuou shook his head with an unknowing smile, answering nothing. "You can sleep now, Kirisu-kun."  
  
The transparent form of Kirisu fell through the hands of Rikuou and out of Kazahaya's body. Rikuou saw the spirit's body as Kirisu's neck jerked to one side and broke after hitting a large rock. Then, the spirit slipped and flowed slowly with the river.  
  
Rikuou held Kazahaya closely as he huffed and puffed thanking whomever that he had gotten there on time.  
  
Forgetting all about what they were seeking, Rikuou walked out of the river while holding Kazahaya in his arms. When he got to a semi-grassy area, there he found the blue notebook.  
  
The red color had been washed away.  
  
At that moment, Kazahaya opened his eyes and blinked at Rikuou through the darkness with the moonlight behind him. Disoriented, he asked, "What happened, Rikuou?"  
  
Smiling with relief, Rikuou teased, "You almost drowned yourself in a river again. Only this time, you were jumping off that bridge up there."  
  
Kazahaya's eyes tranced the outline of the bridge to where he was last conscious. "I was looking at my reflection through the windows and then I looked over the railing. That's all I remember."  
  
Rikuou then put him down and turned around. "Let's go home."  
  
"The notebook…" Kazahaya said with an almost desparate tone. "We have to find that notebook."  
  
As he bent down to pick up the blue notebook, Rikuou's voice went one octave lower. In bitterness, he questioned, "Were we really supposed to find this thing?"  
  
Kazahaya nodded his head. "I understood it. When I ran back to the university, I understood why he loved 'Kokoro' so much. He couldn't choose as the three sides battled within himself."  
  
At that, they went home in silence.  
But neither could sleep soundly.  
  
--  
  
The next day, while in Kakei's office, the two boys stood before their boss with tired, but attentive faces. However, Kazahaya's face was betraying an expression of anger and frustration.  
  
Kakei's hands folded on top of his desk as he smiled at both of them while eyeing the journal. "Good work. You'll get fully paid for this one. Especially you, Kazahaya."  
  
"Th-thank you," he politely answered as he looked at Kakei with eyes that couldn't really be distinguished as to if he was tired, sick, or upset at the whole thing.  
  
He who never liked to question Kakei because he was the only link to finding Tsukiko, finally spoke up. "I wanted to ask a question."   
  
"Yes?" Kakei questioned, a bit surprised at Rikuou.  
  
"What would have been the consequence if we didn't follow the set pattern of events?" His blank face didn't fail him and Kakei truly admired his courage.  
  
"If you didn't follow the instructions, you would have been stuck in that particular period." Kakei's eyes never wavered and kept themselves on the visages of Rikuou and Kazahaya. "All these instructions were to stimulate a time similar to it was then in order to find that blue notebook for our client."  
  
"What kind of client was it? Some kind of monster?" Kazahaya's hands shook as his cold tone echoed around the room. "What kind of person would want this to be repeated? It was like a cruel joke, only these were real people we were dealing with!"  
  
Rikuou put his hand on Kazahaya's shoulder.  
  
Then, Kazahaya shrugged him off and started to have hot tears run down his face when he blinked and pounded a fist on Kakei's desk while still holding onto the blue notebook with his other hand. "I'm sorry, but I won't be taking the money for this case."  
Shaking his head while taking his hands off the desk, Kakei looked at Kazahaya in surprise and Rikuou was just as shocked.  
  
"I can't believe you would take a job like that," he said to Kakei.  
  
"Kazahaya." Kakei's calm mood was becoming disturbed as he stared at Kazahaya.  
  
"I'm sorry." Kazahaya then bowed as he walked out of the room and ran away.  
  
Kakei stood up and turned around unable to look at Rikuou. "Kazahaya truly is a good person."  
  
Rikuou's eyes just wandered and followed the lines on the floor with nothing to say. Wanting to apologize, but couldn't bring himself to.  
  
"And yes, I do admit that I am a cruel person."   
  
At that moment, Kakei turned around and smirked with his everlasting calm face. "Usually we do not reveal who our clients are, but I will make this one exception."  
  
Rikuou nodded understandingly.  
  
"Tell him that the teacher wanted to know the truth. Why must people die because of guilt?"  
  
Rikuou left as he ran after Kazahaya whom he knew would run towards his room. It was the one place he always went to when he was upset.  
He couldn't understand why though.   
  
Without knocking, Rikuou came in and closed the door behind him. Kazahaya sat on his bed crying unable to stop himself as the notebook sat beside him.  
  
"Why do you always do this to yourself?" Rikuou scolded in an affectionate tone because he didn't know how else to relate to Kazahaya whenever he became this way. "You'll get lost someday because I won't always be there to save you. What will happen then?"  
  
"I get involved because that's the only way I know I can work," Kazahaya answered just as harshly. "Just because you're cold doesn't mean I am."  
  
"What did you see through him? Through this person named Kirisu, Kazahaya?" Rikuou then sat beside him.  
  
"I saw that he was just lost. He didn't know who he was." Kazahaya then leaned his head on Rikuou's shoulder. "That's why he liked Soseki so much…"  
  
Rikuou then closed his eyes as he pulled Kazahaya to sit on his lap. Kazahaya pulled the journal to his own lap as Rikuou firmly held his waist in between his arms.   
  
Opening the journal, the pages at the end of the journal were written in with coffee stains. They read the text together.  
  
"February 29, 19—  
  
Seiya gave this to me.   
  
I don't know why he would want to give me this blue journal, but I guess it will be of some use to me. What do I write down, though?  
  
I do not to write of our story, Seiya. There's nothing but sadness to it. So, who would be masochistic to write such things?  
And we're already how old and you give me this? But, of course, I'll keep it, just like the many things you always give me.  
  
'My professor said it would be good to write,' Seiya said to me.  
  
But what is a song with no melody? My words are just words until I sing them to you, Seiya.  
  
That's the only time you truly pay attention to me.  
You are the only one who loves me.  
  
Everyone else thinks I'm just your shadow because I'm so quiet. But you treat me as I should be treated, Seiya. That's why you cannot ever belong to anyone else but me.  
  
I fear that you will one day find what you're looking for and leave me. Just like what the Sensei said in 'Kokoro'."  
  
As they read on, they learned more about the relationship of Kirisu and Seiya until they reached the last page.  
  
Kazahaya gave a worried look to Rikuou, who kept his face cool and composed.  
  
"November.  
  
Seiya has found out that I have a relationship with Sensei. The same one I thought he had fallen in love with.  
In order to get him away from Seiya, I had originally planned to lure him and break that man's heart before he would break Seiya's. I wanted to crush him for making me so jealous I couldn't even think straight.  
Seiya was mine and no one else would be able to touch him as I would.  
  
He is my other half and I am his.  
We are bound to one another like Oyone and Sosuke. Shunned from the world because of our parents, we have wandered aimlessly holding onto one another.  
  
But along the way, I looked at the mirror.  
  
I was seeing that I was changing. Through Sensei, I wasn't a part of Seiya.  
  
This made me relieved.  
This troubled me just as equally.  
  
'But I love you, Seiya,' I said as I looked around our room and locked the door behind me.  
  
'Kirisu…you weren't supposed to sing for anyone but me," he said with his teeth grinding in hurt.  
  
I knew what that meant. That I had given my soul to one another and imbalanced us…  
  
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I blinked my eyes. "You act like a woman. No, you act like a mermaid. A very possessive mermaid."  
  
He nodded slowly while silently listening to me. 'But are you sure about that, Kirisu?'  
  
'You and your myths, Kirisu…' Looking at the mirror before us, he commented, 'I think _you're_ the mermaid.'  
  
Yes, to you, I am neither man nor woman.  
To you, I am not your sibling…  
  
'Maybe I am.' Shaking my head, I whispered to his ear, 'You belong to me, Seiya.'  
  
Then, I pressed my lips on his own and kissed him until he began tearing off my clothing…  
  
  
When he finally went to sleep, I looked at the copy of 'Kokoro' on his desk.   
  
'I felt sorry for his friend,' I remembered Seiya saying this once to me.  
'Why?' I had asked.  
'Because his friend stole the woman he planned to marry.'  
  
I left the room only to get this notebook to show him that I was almost done with it and that he needed to read it to ease my mind and heart.  
  
But Seiya looked strange as he began to kiss my neck and then kissed my mouth as if he wanted to engulf all the air in my lungs. Running his fingers through my hair, he held my face and looked deeply at me.  
  
'Why do you look like an angel with the heart of a devil?' Seiya told me.  
  
I gave him a confused look at Seiya reached out for something.  
  
'Sensei stole you from me. Then you took yourself away from me, Kirisu,' Seiya said as I reached out for his hands.  
  
But I was too late.  
  
The blood splattered on the wall behind him…  
…and on this notebook.  
  
I held onto his body, but no tears would come out. I was too shocked to cry and so I lost my voice for a while.  
  
The blood from where his heart should have been, ran through my fingers. Unending, relentlessly.  
  
'You're sleeping, Seiya.' I kept on denying inside of my head.  
  
I killed my brother.  
I have already killed myself…  
  
  
[tearstains]  
  
  
I will see you one last time, Sensei.  
  
For did you know that twins are lovers from a past life?"  
  
  
Kazahaya then looked at the pages side by side. The last entry with the sensei and the last entry with Seiya.  
  
"It ends in the middle," Kei repeated in Kazahaya's head and it finally made sense to him.  
  
These were the two people known as Kirisu trying to live within one another…  
…trying to survive at the same time, but couldn't.  
  
"Tsukiko…" Rikuou thought as Kazahaya put down the notebook to one side of the bed. "Someday, will I become this desparate to find you like this Sensei?"  
  
  
Kazahaya then softly said, "I always have to think how did we ever become close.  
I have to remind myself that I am not alone anymore."  
  
Rikuou, who was still holding onto him tightly, listened attentively.  
  
"'We are the same. We aren't like other people because we have special powers, but that doesn't mean we aren't human, Kazahaya.' That's what you said to me," Kazahaya whispered with a smile as he looked to the ground. "When you saved me from that other job when I was about to kill myself with that knife without knowing it, that's what you said to me, Rikuou. That was also one of the first times you called me by my first name."  
  
"Even though I cared deeply for Kei, there was something about Rikuou that made him special to me. Even if he does make fun of me all the time," Kazahaya thought while sighing.  
  
"I believed those words." Kazahaya then tilted his head as he closed his eyes while Rikuou began to kiss him on the neck.  
  
"There are people who reflect who you are. They are people that assimilate with you until the one you care for and yourself become so indistinguishable next to one another," Tsukiko had said to Rikuou and this was what was going through his mind as he began to kiss the skin of Kazahaya's bare back.   
"I believe each person is born with a twin." She laughed at Rikuou as he looked up from the newspaper he was reading. "But many people call those people their soulmate. Their lost twin."  
  
"Only, some are mislead by this too…" Rikuou whispered in audibly as he began to kiss Kazahaya's stomach while telling him what Kakei had told him…  
  
  
The next morning, Kazahaya reached out to the place on his bed where Rikuou should have been. He blinked his eyes and turned around as he found Rikuou standing before him. "We have to eat breakfast."  
  
Kazahaya, with a pout and angered eyes, asked, "Can't you make breakfast for a change?"  
  
But as soon as Kazahaya dressed up and ran into the kitchen, he smelled cooked food.  
Kazahaya raised his eyebrows. "You're making breakfast today?"  
  
Rikuou, with a pan in his hand and an apron wrapped around his body, answered, "I can't have you hate me all the time."  
  
Kazahaya smiled at him as he sat down on the dining table and read the newspaper.  
He just couldn't help liking the guy sometimes.  
  
Then, Rikuou smirked.  
It was then that Kazahaya looked up and knew he had spoken too soon as Rikuou chuckled mockingly at him.  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kazahaya asked as he blinked with a slightly nervous tone in his voice.  
  
While bringing the breakfast to the table and sitting down, Rikuou's smirk remained on his face. "I've got to mess with your mind. It's just more fun that way."  
  
"RIKUOU!!!!"   
  
But Kazahaya laughed as he looked at Rikuou while still feeling the impact of the last job upon his heart.  
  
He thought to himself as a melancholic smile came to his face,  
"Are you my twin, Rikuou?"   
  
  
A few days later, in some apartment, a Sensei takes the blue notebook and writes a letter with his life story. How similar his life was to 'Kokoro' and how he had fallen for a student who happened to be a twin.  
He favored one who was both male and female, yet neither at the same time. The sensei was too late to save him in the end. And ironically, he was the one who had found the body slowly drifting in the river.  
  
He always felt guilty.  
Hoping…always hoping that the body's owner would finally rest so that he could go on with his life.  
  
  
  
Even more days passed…  
Rikuou and Kazahaya heard from the local news that a man had committed seppuku in his apartment with his letters inside a blue notebook beside him…  
  
The man's last words on the letter were,   
  
"The two most important things are to live with what you believe in and the one you care for. Or to die with or for them…  
  
But I couldn't live out the rest of my life with you.  
Nor could I die with you."  
  
  
Owari.  
--  
  
Notes: I made the time line a little bit later (or hopefully later) than it was in the manga. I wanted Kazahaya and Rikuou to be close, but not over.  
  
I know there were a lot of things up in the air and I hoped they made sense. Too many ideas were clashing in my head and I didn't know what to do. I tried to connect them together, but I also wanted this to be a thought-provoking piece in which I would leave this half to the reader's interpretation.  
I wanted it to be that with Seiya, you didn't know if he really liked the teacher and if they had a relationship too. But as for Kirisu, he became two different people with each of them and I wanted the Sensei to be both provocative, yet sincere to both of them.  
Seiya, who was thought to be the strong one, was really weak when it came to Kirisu. On the other hand, Kirisu was only strong when it came to Seiya. And the sensei had both showed them a side of themselves that they never thought existed within themselves.  
  
This was difficult to make and I'm sure my writing style shows my struggle.  
But Thank You for reading this really weird piece. I like it, but I hope it's not too confusing.  
  
Love, yui  
  
  
Kokoro is a story by Natsume Soseki in which a student asks a sensei that he met on the beach, what he must do in his life. Of course, ultimately, he would have to make his own decisions, but the sensei was unable to tell his life story. The student went away to visit his dying father, but gets a letter from the sensei. Instead of following family obligation, he rushes to the sensei's side and then reads the letter that sensei wrote with his life story in it.  
You don't know if the student got to the sensei though and when he rushes to get to the sensei, it is exactly the middle of the book.  
Oyone and Sosuke are from another Soseki book called 'Mon' (which my research paper will be on). This is about a couple who has been isolated from the world as well as isolating themselves. 


End file.
